I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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