I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
