a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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