the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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