I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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