saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
