My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
