Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
