I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
