Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
