if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
