Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You're like the curious george of whores
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
