Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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