dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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