Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I miss vodka workout Fridays
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
