woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
