omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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