I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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