...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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