I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
