Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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