alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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