Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
