I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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