he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
