Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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