Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
