you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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