my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
