I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
