dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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