just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
