I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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