I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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