dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
