Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
