i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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