:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
