I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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