guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
