After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
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marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
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She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
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