Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
