Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
