i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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