i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
