ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
