I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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