She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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