I looked at my own cervix.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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