At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
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You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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