Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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