the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
