Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
we're making bets on your personal life
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
