Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
