Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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