I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
