We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
