You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
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Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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