I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
