Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
