youre lurking in front of me
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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