I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
