I cannot find my penis.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
