i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
